Thoughts on thoughts on thoughts

I want a quirky awesome hipster relationship where we do things like watch Curb Your Enthusiasm while we drink herbal tea, and go looking for records in Willaimsburg together. I want someone who gets at least 60% of my jokes and likes the same music so I never have to feel like a douche cause I said ”Well I don’t think you’ve heard of them…” And could it please, for once, be someone who wouldn’t mind talking about things that are maybe slightly more intellectual? Because frankly, I am sick of discussing teenage boy shit. I don’t care about what you’re eating right now, or how many other girls you’ve fucked (like really? did you have to tell me that?). Basically I want a relationship with a twenty-five year old. Just without the statutory rape and everything.  

But on the other hand, I’m starting to hate the idea of relationships. I never have enough time for them, because no one is more important than my homework, and I have to explain myself to people all the time. I never feel completely understood by anyone and it bothers me. Charles Dickens got it so right man, “…every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other”. (I didn’t even have to look that one up! Personal victory)

On a related note, sometimes I feel that my brain is intune with a different radio station than other people’s. Or maybe it’s the same radio station, but I’m getting the staticky version. So when people use expressions or phrases it’s like my brain is going down a totally different path, and it always ends in either confusion or embarassment. I frustrates when people give me this look like “How did you get to that conclusion?” because I don’t know dammit. Sometimes while I’m trying to fall asleep, I stop myself mid-train of thought and trace my steps backwards to see if I can remember how I got to where I am. And the connections my brain makes are always so strange.  It can go from my old house, to my father’s hands, and then to cigarettes.

Maybe the real reason why the idea of relationships is becoming unsatisfactory to me is because lately I’ve been feeling isolated in my special brand of insanity. I feel like my mind is totally unhinged and everyone knows it. So they just put me in a corner by myself. I used to be such a hopeless romantic, I wonder where that went. Maybe I’ll get it back. Of couse, this could be another perfect example of how I treat all my fleeting thoughts like their precious gems. I have to keep reminding myself that every little thing that pops into my head is not worth noting. Also, I really need to learn how to edit my inner monologue so that it stops dictating my actions. All of my decisions lately have been emotionally based and it’s kinda fucking me up. 

Wow, this was almost a stream of conciousness.

I hope you’ve all enjoyed what I’m sure is fascinating insight into my bullshit mind and exaggerated feelings.